JOURNAL

'journal' like its not just me being insane!!!!

IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT LIFE . . . EVERYTHING! ALL OF IT! NONE OF IT HAS ANY VALUE... EVERYONE SHOULD DIE. EVERYONE! call me evil... or cruel.. or sadistic.... but i really get off on pathetic humans being hurt, and in more than a sexual way (though that to!). we deserve to die. death to ALL OF US! OH MY GOD!!!!!! I WANT EVERYONE AROUND ME (INCLUDING MYSELF YOU FUCKING FUCKS!!) TO DIE DUDE . . . SHIT! FUCK! GODDAMN IT! ...im way to angry to be writing right now..fuck... i wanna kill myself... and i wanna take people with me... god... death... i can almost taste it anytime i take some pills for ANY FUCKING REASON... i want deth real bad... REALLLLL BAD....

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i told curly fries to make a neocities bc he was bored the other day... and NOW he said something abt '...journal...' to me in the gym before skewl so im SURE he fucking KNOWS about this WEB NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! GRAHHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! im gonna rip my eyes out (does anyone else REALLY, REALLY REALYYYY wanna do that??? cuz i wanna do it like ALL the time just to see (heehaw) how it feels) FUCK!!! i shouldn't have told him abt this website........... now im DOOMED for LIFE to a ETERNITY OF CENSHORING MY TRHOUGHTS FOR THIS JOURNAL! SHIT! should've kept it on paper... but then my mother can find it...no real win here i guess.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.., whay else do i have tyo write about?? nothing rlly eventful... my life is BORING and FUCKING MORE BORING and MORE BORING!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING GODDAMN FUN EVER HAPPENS TO ME! NOT EVER! NOT EVERRRR!!!!!!

god i dont know if i should really be writing this here since i think mateo found this web... but i really REALLY wanna cut myself... i did it on my thighs before, not rlly deep... more like scratches because im a LOSER! but i did it on my wrist the other day..., nnow im doomed to long sleeves for a bit. not realy... it already scabbed.. just gonna put foundation on it and wear my foo fighters shirt 2 skewl tmmrw. normal funcitoning teen cosplay assembled!!! ehehrhhehehghahahahah ASSembled... ASS!! ASS!!!!!! I LOVE ASS! ON MEN AND WOMEN!!! YEEEHAWWWW!!!

im not going to school today..... my moms not making me...so im home alone and its only ten am... YEAH!! FUCK YEAH!! SHIT YAH!!! the only downside is i wanna cut really bad. i found my old blades.. i have braclets to cover my wrists even when i'm not wearing long sleeves.... i could. i could do it really easilyyy... it'd feel so good. SO GOOD!! i wanna see blood dripping down my wrists but im to big of a pussy to actually do it... i can only hold it to my skin and pretend...or make little scratches that arent even comparable to a cats scratches with how shallow (me 2!! im shallow 2 :3) they are... FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh i sound so fucking emo... so corny... oh my god (or whatever creature is lingering in the skies... whoever watches me... someone does.... i can feel their eyes every time i move.... animalistic prowlings... watching my ever breath.... maybe im just scizophrenic..schizophrenic.. however the FUCK you spell it!) but i wanna cut so bad.. i dont even care if curly fries knows abt this fuckin web anymore. its HIS FUCKING FAULT if hes snooping on me. not like hes gonna do anything about it tho cuz he never does and hes kewl for it.

i did two little scratches on my wrist... actually a few... but only two bled just a bit... little pearls of scarlet. they're pretty. i think im gonna do it more often... it didnt hurt... in fact it felt good.... not really. i didnt feel it at all. i need to go deeper next time but im not in the mood 2 cut anymore.

1:32pm

GOD I HATE MY FUCKING BROTHER! nothing gets me more pissed of then his stupid FUCKING FACE! i dont even consider him my brother... it.. more than a 'him' actually... an indescripable beast... deserving of death. it has a girlfriend and i dont. i dont even call it by its name....it dosent deserve a name.. i only consider it 'the blonde', considering its fucking UGLY and can only be imagined as: 'looking like the head of a nazi with his brains blown out.' and even THEN it dosent cover the true vile...dirty...disgusting nature of this beast. its worse then every kid at skool... all of them....its everything i hate in one person. its the satan of my religon..my blood. i hate it. i wish death to it. its vile nature and my cloud of anger that surronds me when i see it has turned me into a religious animal; praying for its death, willing it give up my body.. sacrafice my love.. my friends... my body. to ensuring it ends up dead. it considers itself 'depressed', and so does its stupid therapist, but really.... i think ur less depressed if ur considered depressed by some med-freak. maybe thts just cause i cut myself and im still not considered depressed... but whatever. ignorance is bliss, in the words of dylan klebold (who i dont fucking like). SPEAKING OF KELBOLD! the blonde looks JUST. FUCKING. LIKE. DYLAN. GODDAMN. KLEBOLD. i HATE it! hes got the same stupid glasses... same stupid haircut... hes FREAKISHLY FUCKING TALL! i hate him... i hate it... both of them..maybe, just maybe, i do wish the blonde would just hurry up and kill himself....but really, i wish he'd follow in klebolds footsteps and shoot up his highschool..so atleast then he'll be dead and the people will see through his facade once he commits the act, and for once, people will know i was right.

i usually am right about people. consider me biased, or clingy, or judgemental....but every time i've met someone... i've been right about them. mateo had these two friends...girls...that he hung out with.. i refused to because i knew they were bad news. they were bitches! LOW AND BEHOLD..... they ended up being BITCHES who SHIT TALKED MATEO! AND FUCKING ME! so.... you know - and my father... my shit bag of a father....... the blonde loves him.. coons for him. worships him. i knew better. LOW AND BEHOLD........ my father ends up pointing a gun at the blonde and threatening to kill him during one of the weekends he (actually, me and the blonde were supposed to go... i refused to go ever since visitaton happened. i have NEVER willing gone with my father) spent at their house for visit. that could've been me. but I (YES ME!) KNEW FUCKING BETTER then to go to his house. his apartment, really.. 'my' bedroom floor had mold in it the last time i checked there..... that was the last straw. him and his bitchy girlfriend. CPS is working to declare my father unfit... but really i wish he wasn't so the blonde had to go back again.. and maybe just maybe this time my father will actually kill him.

GOD I FUCKING HATE SEPTEMBER!

8:37pm

nothing tastes like anything recently. i eat in a vain attempt to fill the black hole in my stomach, but to my disgrace, its spread up my spine and into my lungs, through my chest, and into my heart. its worse than a wild fire. not even music can work as fire fighters anymore......this is the part where the people affected by the fire evacuate or die. the kinda evacuation of a territory you dont return to. my stomach hurts constantly.

hehehehahahah im back!!! AND I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE PISSED THE FUCK OFF DUDE. I SWEAR TO WHATEVER FUCKING SATANIC CREATURE IS RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE, I WLL FIND YOU, IT, HIM, HER, WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE!!

the stupid blonde went to the mall to see a movie (???i dont fucking know) w/ his girlfriend today... and since hes to young to have a car (14? 15? FUCK I DONT KNOW! he cant spell my deadname anyways so it dosent matterz) my mom had to drive him..but i STUPIDLY agreed to drive with them so i could get some food on the way......and all they do is yell at me the entire time. 'oh alex! how could BOTH of them yell at you? isn't he your brother? dosen't your mother not allow your older brother to yell at you because hes not the parent?' YOU'D FUCKING THINK WOULDN'T YOU! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOO! HES THE PERFECT LITTLE BITCHASS LOSER TO HER. and OF COURSE IIIIIIMMMMMMMMMM THE MOST HORRIFIC 'DAUGHTER' ON PLANET-GODDAMN-EARTH! like holy fucking shit. THIS ISNT MY FAULT! THIS ISNT MY PROBLEM!

the entire experince made me wanna run a knife through my chest to my stomach, but thats besides the point.... the main problem i had today was the blonde (14, 15 on the eigth? sixth? seventh? third? fourth? i dont know and i dont care) had MY slime... and at the start of the car ride, i said, '....thats my slime.' and BOTH of them FUCKING IGNORED ME, but the blonde looked back at me after i said it so i KNOW he fucking heard it. towards the end of the drive, you know what this GROWN ASS FUCKER DOES? he puts the fucking slime into his mouth.

he puts the fucking slime into his mouth.

this fifteen year old loser. puts MY goddamn slime. into his fucking mouth. 'oh alex, what if he didnt know it was yours? he DID say he found it on the flooooooor!' I FUCKING TOLD HIM! I FUCKING. TOLD. HIM. AT. THE. GODDAMN. START. OF. THE. RIDE. IT. WAS. MINE.

SO IM FUCKING PISSED! (REASONABLY SO) and go "EW! thats MY slime?? what is wrong w u?? your fifteen years old and putting SLIME into your mouth? especially SLIME that ISNT yours!' and he looks back at me and goes 'im fourteen'... LIKE OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU KNOWWWWWW KNOWWWWW KNOWWWWWWWWWWW YOUR IN THE WRONG IF YOUR ONLY DEFENSE IS I GOT YOUR GODDAMN AGE WRONG.. WHEN IN LESS THAN 29 DAYS, YOU WILL BE FIFFUCKINGTEEN! and less than 29 days cuz thats when sepetember ends and his birthdays SOMEWHERE in the hell fire that is september.

so im sitting in the backseat, waiting for my mom to SAY FUCKING SOMETHING about her fourteen year old acting like a two year old, and having to have his behavior corrected by a fucking TWELVE YEAR OLD! like how the hell am I more fucking mature then you? but then again i always have been more mature, and he has all my fathers traits, so i can only assume (and should've known) he would be a terrible person. and to be honest, i did! i have never had any faith in him since i turned, like, shit six years old?? hes never liked me anyways. AND THAT FUCKER WAS THE FIRST GODDAMN PERSON TO HOLD ME WHEN I WAS BORN! not my mother...not my grandfather (whose awesome)...not my grandma....... NOT EVEN MY FUCKING FATHER! but the blonde.

BUT ANYWAYS! im waiting for my mother to correct this shitty ass behavior.... and....... dun..dun..dun............................... IT NEVER FUCKING COMES! SHE JUST SITS THERE IN GODDAMN SILENCE! LOOKING AT HIM AS HE GOES FOR A SSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDDDDD FUCKING BITE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM!

SO i repeat myself. 'EW IAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?' and my mom goes 'its JUST slime.' and the blonde goes 'yeah..i found it on the floor anyways!' and i go 'I LITTERALLY TOLD YOU IT WAS MINE.' and my mom goes 'okay, well it isnt anymore. now its your brothers.' and i literally have angry ass tears POURING down my face because WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CALL *ME* DRAMATIC, BUT WOULDNT YOU BE A LITTLE HBIT UPSET THASTY SOMEONE DI 5HTT YOR YOU? IC ANT EVEN FUCKJIBG TIM]PE! TI CAnt type! CUCK! FUCK! OH MTY GOD!@ I AHTWE HIM IT HAT EHI I HATHEIm!!!!

notice how my writing is getting longer and longer? yeah its because its setemper and i HATE september!

god i just wanna be gone so bad..... not nessaccairly dead or anything..just gone. i wanna disapper...but not in a running away way, yknwo? i guess u dont actually cuz i doubt anyone reads any of this (unless some day it ends up as evidence and the entire world reads it, and some officer tries to get it taken down off every inch of the internet, and some therapist sits down and tries to study it....but likely fails because my own mothers a therapist and still dosent think somethings wrong with me. shes oblivious. like, worse then sue klebold oblivious). but seriously i dont know what i want most days. i never know what i NEED. maybe i NEED a gun. or a knife...but i have a knife. and two BB guns w an entire thing of bullets in my free range, so maybe i need to be more speific.

dear universe: please, in the near future (a span of six to eight months), let me come into contact with a shotgun (bullets included), a knife (one thats actually sharp, not some shitty, rusty pocket knife), a bottle of pills (something i can die from), a lighter (one that really works, not my shitty broken one), a pack of cigarettes (any kind), and a way to get more cigarettes, and maybe a fake id... one that works and wont get snapped in my face. please!! i will literally turn into a DIE HARD christan if it means i get these things.

you know what REALLY pisses me off? THE GOVEREMENT!

my mother goes around saying shes a republican, then turns around and claims she dosen't agree with republican ways...so your NOT a fucking republican! dont call yourself that you fucking weirdo! but then again.............. most republicans are leaning more towards FACISM and borderline being NAZIS so..i dont like her anyways.

you know what pisses me off more then the goverment! JEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYY PISSES ME OFF more then anything in the world?

NAZIS! I HATE NAZIS! the only good nazi is a dead one.....or a hardly alive one in critical conditon, on the brink of death, being rasied to the top of a german flag for all those fuckers to see.... 'anti-setitism is on the rise in germany' HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TEACH YOU FUCKERS THE SAME LESSON? by god (or whoever is up there, if anyone, and if not, by all that is kind and all that has bullets) we will teach you the same lesson over and over again. for all the shit i say in this journal, i may LOOK like a nazi, or sound like one, or sound like some pathetic eric harris copy cat, but im BETTER then ALL of these people... you know why? BECAUSE I HAVE FUCKING REASONING! nazis hate for no reason..... eric harris and klebold and ALL those fuckers wanted people to think they were bullied....but really, they weren't. i have BASIS for being so pissed off...mainly because the place i live is fucking FACISM TESTING GROUNDS. this aint the sunshine state......this is fucking rotting pits of nazi reanimation. '...what they don’t tell you is that they are giving very young girls double mastectomies, they want to castrate young boys — that’s wrong...you don’t disfigure ten-, twelve-, 13-year-old kids based on gender dysphoria.” ron desantis i will personally put a bullet into the base of your skull. you know what school shooters need to stop doing? DONT AIM YOUR GUNS AT THE SCHOOL, AIM IT AT THE STATE! ITS NOT RED VS BLUE, ITS THE STATE VS YOU!

ITS NOT RED VS BLUE, ITS THE STATE VS YOU!

GOD these people dont understand. maybe when their rights as a PERSON are being snatched away, then they will, but unfourtantly, white, old men will never come under fire for their rights when theyre the ones in control. they purposefulyl keep us seperated in different parties, using stupid tactics like political parties. especially when it came to trump n biden.... no one wanted biden, but he was better then trump! so of course, we went for biden........and i dont mean to sound like a fucking assasainator JFK style, but if someone dosent take out that old man now, I WILL! biden isnt GREAT, but trump is a FACIST, so i settle for what i can get.

you know what i've noticed? we elected biden because he was reasonable... and immedaitly, we put ron desantis into power. you know what that sounds like? sounds like they're purposefully blinding us with slight decencey for america, and immedaitly running to infultriate florida with anti-trans and anti-lgbtq laws to push us back, because there has to be SOME hate in the world right? because no one deserves to be happy unless their politcal party is red, and if its not, then they'll physically be red with their own blood because GOD-FUCKING-FORBID I, A TRANS KID, AM FUCKING HAPPY!

i beg my mother to move out of florida... to anywhere else... ANYWHERE else.... and all she says is 'its to cold anywhere else'. BITCH HAVE YOU HEARD OF CALIFORNA?! you get your stupid sun, i get my FUCKING LIFE! FAIR TRADE, RIGHT? HOLY SHIT! she literally could not give two shits about me and i know it....i know it for FACT. she'll care when shes asked about the 'warning signs', of course... 'oh, there weren't any! SHE was a perfectly normal kid!' BITCH ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?

i've taken an interest is firearms. guns whatever i sound like a grown ass man saying firearms.. WHATEVER!!!!! anyways im gonna try to build.... 'trust' with my mother by asking her to go shooting with the BB guns... i'll work with what i have for now, but she DID say the next gun i get will be a REAL one and NOT some shitty BB gun, so im hoping she'll let me get something COOL... i dont expect a shotgun, or a rifle cuz we're POOR but i want something better then a pistol... but then again a pistol is better then nothing. i DO really want a tec-9, but NOT because im some fucking klebold dickrider, but because they're cool. i cant really find anything on if their banned here or not... im working on it. but im not opposed to hiding an illegal gun

10:58am

i got new converse and i have to go to dinner at my grandpas.... i HATE going to dinner... you want me to go to a DINNER PARTY? those things killed jesus??????

how has it already been three days??? i literally have no concept of time. days are going past me and i have no account of them... i couldn't tell you what i did yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. i dont know what i do anymore. i dont know WHAT to do anymore. im so miserable and so disconnected from the world around me i have no choice but to hate everything near me... when did i get so hateful? though, i've been depressed my entire life. the first time i thought about cutting myself was at seven, and i had a suicide plan at six (so corny i know but thats NOT THE POINT!) i've never watched something more in my life then death... which is so ironic, considering im spending my whole life wanting to die, and i'll probably spend my time in hell (or wherever i end up... i hope not reincarnation, i can't do this shit again man honestly im about to cry thinking about having to do this all over again oh my GOD) wanting to be alive again... the only thing keeping me here is mateo. he means so much to me... and today we both were talking about how we cant think of a life for ourselves past middle school, let alone high school, LET ALONE ADULTHOOD! we both talked about how we both r starting to consider suicide as a real option... but i always have. i always thought mateo did to, but i guess not? have i always just been like this? am i wrong for being like this??? the obvious answer is 'yes", but nothing about me or my life (its ALL obvious, actually) is the obvious choice..not ever. i never get the easy way out

i cant tell if i prefer myself angry and hateful or depressed and miserable. i guess i like the idea of revenge (thats been floating around in my head for a long time) but i dont think i like the idea of being a failure- even in suicide, i'll fail my mother and my family and everyone around me. i dont think i can stand the idea of mateo realizing im gonna be gone for the rest of his life (if he actually cares) and the idea of my pets wondering where i went. or my mom reading my journal and finding my site... but this is all gonna be evidence anyways, so really i wont have privacy in death anyways. i need a gun. i need a lot of them.

i saw a nun in my dream last night. she was sobbing and wailing and clutching a rosary and bible and running down this really long corrider.. it was kinda like i was watching her from above for the pov??? idk it was just cool cause i like the idea of not really being somewhere and just observing. but she was screaming about god and his eyes while banging on doors she passed and begging for someone to let her in. every now and then shed look over her shoulder (at me i think? or maybe something else? i dont think i was chasing her) and she'd scream louder and almost trip because she'd open her bible and try to read and run but she couldnt

sometimes i see things that arent actually there. i dont know but i see people, animals, figures...all things. sometimes i hear them instead. like a few weeks ago, i was standing at the freezer and i heard the blonde ask me to grab him a popsicle and i did, but i turned around and nobody was there. i was all alone. the blonde was asleep in his room (i went and checked just in case) but no one. was. there. it freaked me out. kind of. it was almost funny, seeing that im losing my shit. sometimes i get like this when i dont sleep for a few days, but i've BEEN sleeping for the first time in forever, and its still happening. maybe its from my lack of human connection? like my brains making up connections and conversation because i dont have any real convos or interaction. i think the last time i talked to someone that WASNT curly fries or my family was a few weeks ago..... i just dont talk. I don't WANT to talk, either. im content with being a loser sometimes but only sometimes. i think i just hate myself a lot...... i try not to SAY i hate myself, because i dont wanna be a weirdo whose super sucidal, but I AM! i am a loser and i am sucidal and i am a weirdo. why else would i be 12 years old planning my own death? i just dont get it. i dont understand myself. or maybe i do and im just so..............empty and terrible of a person that i dont want to know myself. i only see disgust in myself. i just wanna be gone i guess? dead. very very dead. that'd help me feel better i guess but then i wouldn't feel anything if i was dead, or maybe i would? god i hate everythingggggggggg my mothers gonna vote republican this year and you know what. if a republican gets elected project 2025 is gonna go into effect and my life will offically be over. i wont make it any longer i will actually kill myself i just wanna live in peace i dont wanna do this i hate everything because hate is the only thing i HAVE. i cant LOVE anything because nobody even wants me to exist, my gender identity is a crime at this point i just wanna live and i think thats the last time i'll ever say that

begging my mother not to vote republican this year because of project 2025 and she wont listen ("oh it'll change everything? is it gonna change my hair color?" in that mocking voice) (she dosen't care) (she'll wonder why i killed myself) (i couldn't even hold it together long enough to even START to tell her about it i just walked off saying "u dont care anyways" went to my room cried and cut myself)

there is very obviously something wrong with me and nobody is listening. i am so clearly mentally ill... i run around with slices on my arms and nobody sees. maybe they do and they just pretend they don't notice? maybe its just easier that way it probably is but then again no one has ever made anything easy for me. i guess by ignoring it they're making it harder? but i probably just THINK it's easier because i want to pretend its for the best no one knows what i really am (they all know. they know something is wrong with me. they can tell. they can smell the wrong on me)

in 6th period today (my school rotates through periods every week, like for week two we start with 2nd period instead of 1st and for week three we start with third period and not 1st and continue on until the seventh week then we restart if that makes sense.. basically 6th period was my first class) which was art for me and the guy who sits next to me in art called me a tranny. i know hes homophobic and all that stuff but i guess its just different because hes only ever called me faggot and other then that i guess hes funny (hes literally not i just want people to like me and he's one of the more popular kids + he has a bunch of friends and i just want people to like me) and it just felt strange. he keeps threatening to kill me for being a faggot or for saying stuff like "oh..." when i see his drawing because they're actually ass but other then that all i do is help him with the art (and everyone else at my table because im the only one who can draw) and the guy who sits across from me also just makes fun of me constantly but im not innocent either cuz i make fun of him to sometimes buttttt its not kewl? being homophobic + transphobic + threatening to kill me for being gay isn't very nice of u. i get IM not nice but thats not even what they make fun of me for? they make fun of me for something i cannot control GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! uhmm what else was i supposed to write about?

oh also in art the girl who sits at the table next to me started making fun of me to. she called me a lesbian (not an insult??) and a bunch of other shit i couldnt understand because she said it in french? creole? hasisan? nobody knows what she speaks tbh but it certaintly isnt english! she also has the same math class as me (i have a double block for art so i have TWO periods with her with = TWO HOURS WITH HER.) and its driving me insane bc how r u gonna make fun of me then spend another two hours with me? thats three hours i put up with her. its so fucking annoying and typically im not someone to get violent or whatever (at least not ACTUALLY..for as much as i write about it, i am genuinly a coward and likely not a real threat) (yes i am) (i am a threat) (i need a gun) (or two) (or three) (or four) but i wanna beat her ass so bad....... i'd take iss or oss for it because I JUST WANNA DO IT!!!!!!!! RAHAHAHAAHAHAHAJAJKAJAAJAJSHAHSJAGAH!!!!!!!! she pisses me off and i just wanna enjoy art. but no everyone around me makes it impossible to do so

i just cant understand it. im not outwardly bad or wrong or evil or mean? i don't speak to anyone, i keep my head down, i do my work, i get decent grades, when people ask me to do something i do it, i particpate in classwork with other kids (like i dont force them to do everything FOR me) so i just don't understand why their so devoted to hating me. who is 'their'? i don't truly understand. 'they' is someone who expands far past the kids at school, i know that, because if it didn't i'd feel okay and good AFTER school but i dont and its starting to eat at me in a way i cant describe. when 'it' eats at me or whatever it feels like cannablism

also heres my spotify if u want it -----------------------> https://open.spotify.com/user/iwlfqfp3c7ru33put46btviiz

been a bit since i last wrote... a lot of BAD shit happened to my family and me. my moms car got repossessed or watever, the water got turned off, and i had to put down my cat... all in the same damn day. that was two days ago. my cats name was ginger, we thought she was a girl, but apparently, he was a guy? but anyways he was so tired and so exhausted...he tried to meow at me a few times on the way to the vet and i almost cried so many times (and honestly i did cry a lot) because of it. it was so broken and so soft and you could barely hear it. we had the chance to save him. twenty four thousand dollars. some guy was going to pay. but their was the chance it could happen again. and again and i didnt think i could handle seeing him like that again. the first time already broke my heart. so i told my mom i wanted to put him (her? him? we called him her for seven years but he wasn't a girl so i dont know) down and even she cried. i told her there would be other cats in the world and she told me there would be no other ginger. i lied and said he had a great life and someone else needed him now. i know it was bullshit. im shit at comforting. i just didnt think i could go through with it if she didn't stop fuckin crying

matoes birthday is on the fifth of october. thats soon :3 but i dont know what to get him because im to fucking POOR and i feel to BAD asking my fucvking mom about getting him dsomebhing REAL because i know its gonna be a burden but its MATEO. i cant just...NOT get him something, even if he never gets me anything for MY birthday (but then again my birthday is july13 n we're out of school then anyways) anyways i feel like a peice of shit my cats dead my other cat keeps walking around looking for him

uhm fuck iiiiiiiiii dont know what i feel rn its such a strange uncordinated sensation. my fingers feel numb in a way i cant explain, my head feels heavy, im exhausted but not physically. and also somehow not mentally. but both. and a third way i DON'T. KNOW. because i dont know it i cannot repair it, and maybe it doesn't need to be repaired. maybe its something i was supposed to have to experineced before but never did bevause of the vicious mangalment i did to myself in an attempt to make myself feel better, normal, even

i just feel like such a shitty person right now. i AM, i literally try to find good in school shooters and various criminals and i DESERVE everything im feeling. not even cutting makes me feel to good anymore, i just feel so guilty about everything i do because all of it is going to do nothing for my future. my future has one end. actuallyyyyyyyy, it has TWO, but only one am i going to speak about in the name of avoiding suspicion from people. my future is suicide. i don't deserve anything good. i hardly want to live. its a dissapointment when i wake up in the morning, every damn day. my mom hates seeing me. she probably sobs when she remembers i exist, when she remembers she gave birth to a fucking ugly fat weirdo like me. i dont deserve to eat, not ever. all i ever see is calories, calories, calories!!!!!!! and it sounds so corny but i just............dont deserve it?? im humongous. a fucking whale. i bet if i tried to hang myself the rope would break because of how FAT i am. i bet if i tried to slice my wrists open i wouldn't be able to get through all the fucking fat on my arms. its disgusting. im disgusting. i ate a smoothie. i had mcdonalds for breakfast. i ate a slice of apple pie... all before ten in the morning. im fucking disgusting. i literally dont deserve to eat. i should starve myself...........i literally NEED to. im fucking fat. if i tried to shoot myself, it wouldnt be able to penetrate all the fucking fat on my double chin. im 5'8 and..... uhm...... 230 pounds? at 12? i need to fucking lose weight. i go to the doctors and, completely out of the blue, he says, 'are we worried about the weight? do we want to lose it?' and looks at me in THAT way. im DISGUSTING.

im so fucking ugly and so disgusting. if i uploaded a photo of me up here (which i wont because someone could recognize me or something) i bet everyone would actually gag and become sick just SEEING IT. i know i feel sick when i look at myself. which is actually very thankful because then i can puke everything in my goddamn vile disgusting stomach.

at least september is over.. octobor usually kicks my ass, i dont know why- i think its because like. all throughout summer i fuck my sleep schedule and get lowkey manic but i wont self diagnois (i literally meet all the critera) and then by the time october rolls around and so does school, im not used to being a normal goddamn human so i get all fucking weird trying to readjust.

also those cows are literally me and mateo they're so cute

SPEAKING OF MATEO. his mother randomly switched his school and took his goddamn phone for like an entire school week so i had NO idea and randomly he texts me yesterdsay and says "oh yeah by the way my mom switched my school so we wont be together" WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT. THE. FUCK. like i dont blame HIM but am i wrong for being miserable?? he was the one person i could ALWAYS rely on finding and know he would be there... and now he isn't. and mateo doesn't even know what goddamn fucking school he's going to because he hasn't been there yet and it literally makes me wanna bawl because............................................................ well its mateo

god that was corny I'm sorry

i literally hate everything i let my grandma cut my fucking jeans because she asked to and i didnt want her to get mad and talk all about how she wouldn't have to cut them if i weren't so fat even though that makes NO sense. i hate everything i wore that pair of pants EVERY FUCKING DAY AT SCHOOL and y'know what? it's gross. i admit it. i wear the same jeans every day (besides the weekend, when i wash them) and i KNOW that. now i can't wear them. "oh alex! you have different pairs of jeans to wear!" THATS NOT THE FUCKING POINT! I WANT **THOSE** GODDAMN JEANS DAWG. they're the only ones i feel even remotely comfortable in. they make me feel like a guy. i pass decently in them. they hide my hips and thighs. i dont care if they drag on the floor i ONLY feel okay in THOSE jeans. i hate everything everyone thinks im a girl and i can't explain it with anything because nobody believes me anyways. i just wanna be a guy. its the one thing i can't have and i want it SO BAD! i just wanna be a guy i want people to think im a guy, to KNOW im a guy!!! IM NOT A GIRL! i wanna die jesus christ im so tired of this shit

i tried to kill myself last night

i dont think my mom likes me (as a person, a 'daughter' or a son) very much. she threatened to bash my teeth in, then she threatened to hit me in the head and then she threatened to beat the shit lut of me within the same thirty minutes. i get im annoying and probably a pretty damn bad 'daughter' (i could be a better son. i know i could. but you want a daughter.) but that shit isn't cool dawg. "why r u flinching? i've never hit you?" (yes u have) but i flinch because she constantly threatens TO hit me. and i never know if shes actually going to. and i dont want to have to go into school with a mark and have to lie to my teachers or explain what happened to them. i dont wanna get bullied by everyone at school for having a bruise on my face or a bunch of just overall damage.

i've managed to stay away from cutting since my last post (the 12th) so that's literally only a day and actually pathetic but obviously there is no point in stopping because she doesn't care anyways. she never would and she never has. she doesn't want me as a daughter and goddamn it she doesn't want me as a son either. im literally twelve and i cut myself and have like four suicide attempts (none of which she is aware of) under my belt and she wouldn't care if i told her. just sob about "how couldn't i notice?" why do you think your kid who has spent the last 11 years of their life wearing no pants to bed randomly started ONLY wearing pants? because its to cold? we live in fucking florida.

im completely alone at school. its somewhat okay. my grades are getting better but all i want is to see mateo. i have a really bad memory so i can't even remember what he sounds like. i probably couldn't even pick out his voice in a room of people and honestly i dont think he could find mine either because i don't think he really likes me. we don't really have similar interests anymore and i hide a lot from him :( sorry mateo nothing i do in the future is or was your fault, wether that be suicide or something else

i dont think vincent van gogh killed himself and was probably killed by some local kids playing with guns because who shoots themself in the stomach trying to do that? a doctor who studied the event said that the wound didnt seme self inflicted. he told his brother he didnt want to die? he walked all the way home to get help? all of his painting supplies left in the field that were never found? he had just written UPBEAT letters to his brother? he had just ordered paint supplies? HE DIDN'T WANT TO GET ANYONE IN TROUBLE. oh my god

at the same time when i get around that spot of killing myself (the past four and the one on the 11th) i don't stop ny life. i do my homework for a day i dont think i'll see, i say goodnight to mateo after a night of laughing about how we'll go to the same high school. graduate together. i lie to his fucking face through grinding teeth knowing i either wont graduate or there will be a goddamn date to remember at that fucking school. i don't know why the universe wont just LET ME FUCKING DIE! god has a plan. god knows everything that will happen. so why wont he just fucking kill me. i dont want to fucking hurt people but its the only thing i know how to do. all i know is violence and hate. all i think about is how to get the guns. because of my birthday i'll graduate at 17, not 18, so i'll need to find someone to buy them for me, or work on getting trust with my mom around the gun safe so i can get the password. other kids my age are planning their futures and whilst technically i am to, we are not the same.

“But sometimes, unexpectedly, grief pounded over me in waves that left me gasping; and when the waves washed back, I found myself looking out over a brackish wreck which was illumined in a light so lucid, so heartsick and empty, that I could hardly remember that the world had ever been anything but dead.” — The Goldfinch, Chapter 3 – “Park Avenue,” Section iv: page 93

its just FUCK. im writing a book i'll never publish because i'll be fucking dead. i draw knowing it will only ever be made fun of because who likes the art of a goddamn school shooter? nothing about me is fucking good i just wanan fucking die and i CANT! I JUST CANT!!!!!!!!!! "imagine how sad your family would be" IMAGINE HOW SAD THE FAMILIES OF MY GODDAMN VICTIMS WOULD BE? IMAGINE HOW SAD MATEO WOULD BE THAT HE WAS FREINDS WITH A FUCKING SHOOTER? HOW ANGRY? ANY GOOD HE DOES IS REVERSED BECAUSE OF *ME*! IF I KILL MYSELF I CAN'T HURT ANYONE. and if i live i don't know how to stop myself

02:05pm

forgot to say but i've lowkey been hallucinating shit lately. i don't eat a lot (yes i do im a fucking fat ass i devoure everything in fucking site and stuff it down my goddamn throat even though i know all i will ever be is a fat fucking freak and im fucking disgusting and should get my goddamn head blown off and fucking mutilated because i wouldn't fit in a fucking coffin unless i was chopped up anyways) (im 250) and i don't really sleep that much and recently i've been hallucinating a demon girl who straddles peoples chests in their sleep and unless you follow the ritual and the rules perfectly then she'll slice your throat open and she'll kill you. i literally hallucinated reddit posts telling me the instructions and how to do everything; her names shalwar. i looked it up and it said it was a japenese folk tale called 'the night hag' but i don't belive it. her names shalwar (which is some dress people wear??? i don't know. she said her name was shalwar.) and basically the ritual goes: when you go to bed, you HAVE to sleep on your right or she can come inside. she'll come in through your window, closet, or bedroom door, and she won't leave until six am. she'll linger by the door/her entrance, and if u move then she'll come to your bed and straddle your chest. she stares down at you (if u blink she'll choke you to death) and then she takes her knife and puts it up to your throat. you have to go "aurgh you've killed me" in the loudest voice you can. you SCREAM IT or you fucking die. then she'll swipe the knife over your throat, grazing your skin, and stare down at you. i was really really sick like my head hurt my stomach hurt i needed to puke and i wanted to run but i didn't. sometimes she'll leave before six am, and sometimes she'll stay there (according to the reddit posts; i've only had her three times, and apparently its permeant.) i know its not real but its different in the moment you know? incapable of breathing because of SOMETHING on your chest and looking up and seeing her with that goddamn knife?? trying to breath but you CAN'T. the darkness in the corner of ur room?

02:24

moms going to my grandparents for an hour or two to do some bullshit for my grandma, which means i get to grab the fireworks in the garage. obviously i can't fire them off until she leaves, and maybe i won't fire them at all, but it'll be nice to have explosives in my room, huh?

i have a can of bullets right now. pistol ammo, a shotgun shell (one that was sitting inside my moms dads shotgun when he got into the car accident that killed him on duty- he was a cop- HAH! fuck him! wait no dont fuck him. he was a good guy. i have some respect for him. but still. HAH! ironic! i plan to do some bad shit with that shotgun shell and some others!) some other bullets im not sure about, and two boxes of ammo in my moms room she keeps for HER gun. she doesn't know i know about them, but soon enough, i'll find her pistol as well and add that to my armory (but i won't take it from her room -- not until the night before, as to keep awareness down). i have my little pocket knife (pathetic, finger lenght, i belive. i will be buying a new one when the time comes, or sooner.. christmas is coming up. i want knives for christmas!) and my lighter. not a lot. but i have my recipe for pipe bombs and my brother, a total nerd but super smart with engeniering or however the fuck u spell it (DON'T BLAME HIM! HE DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW! if you arrest him you're evil. he didn't know.) will just so happen to be around if i have a question about some random wiring shit.

"i wish u were a normal fucking daughter"

mom

08:43pm

i just hate everything so much and i don't even know if the word 'hate' is the right one because i've experienced this all my life and never once have i been able to name it. every one around my hates me ("oh my god you dyed ur hair red? it looks... good" im going to paint the fucking bathroom floors red) what is wrong with me? i don't understand it. mqyave i actually do i just pertend i dont becfause its easier than accepting the bullshit i am.

i need to be fucking medicated man. i can accept there is something wrong with me and that i need help (whilst help is a horrifying concept i cannot truly grasp -- will i be put on meds? will my mom go through my room? will she find this website? will she read my journal? will she even care?) but i just can't do it. i need something, yes, but therapy didn't help. i just sat in that room in damn silence wishing he didn't take the clock down so i couldn't see it.

i have no concept of time. the last time i wrote was the 16th (and i had to check for that). WHAT. liteally what and how i remember typing that shit like it was a few hours ago. time passes me by and im just frozen because im afraid. im always afraid. im a fucking coward. i can't even go deep on my damn arms dawg and yeah, maybe thats different, maybe the human mind isn't built for conflicting harm on itself, but then why can other people do it? why can other people have fat-deep GASHES on their arms and i cant???

"are those barcodes on ur wrist?" brian go back to work please

11/15/23

i really haven't written in a while, sorry, i've been the worst i have ever fucking been recently

i found my moms sig (idk how to spell it) and it just sits around, loaded, in her closet. i held it to my head a few times and pretended i had the strength to pull the trigger. i will, someday, or maybe the crushing guilt of standing around a classroom looking at the people i've just slaughtered will give me the motive. i hate everyone.

in other words, i've found my way out, my exit of the labyrinth, my escape. i can't wait to use it.

that one girl i was talking to i'm not anymore, i hate her guts. she didn't do anything i just don't like her.

met a new guy: roscio is what we'll call them. he's real cool: draws like me, has a partner so i don't have to worry about that, i can tell them about how i want to gas him half the time and they laugh about it cuz they think im joking (i am, for the most part) and they don't judge me. they know about my bomb (in the making, soon to be) skills and doesn't see a problem with it, they know about how obsessed i am with columbine, and they know i know a bunch of facts. its actually real fun to be with them: their friends with literally every gay in school so i know theres actually quite a few people who accept me. almost made me feel a bit guilty, but, then again, i'm not going to highschool with these people!

i had to make some more bracelets today because my wrists got too bad. i hope nobody can tell (but brian knows, that fat fucking bastard OF COURSE HE KNOWS! HE CAN ALWAYS TELL! FUCK ME AND FUCK HIM!) especially teachers. everything hurts so bad, constantly, physically and mentally.

im home alone right now because yesterday i lied and swore i threw up in the bathrooms at school so i could go home. the blonds here to but he's asleep even tho its 2pm and i swear on my life, i could blast my brains out and he wouldn't even be able to tell. not a goddamn clue.

been avoiding writing about this because its embarssing but.............................................................................................. ok so basically i tried to overdose a few days ago and failed, miserably, and i couldn't stop puking and i was so sick and so tired and i just sobbed the entire night away and while i was sitting there, crying and babbling to myself, i realized i dont wanna die. not really, anyways. i've dedicated this journal and my irl one to documenting myself and trying to convince myself i want to, that my plan will work, that all those kids at school will pay, that they'll just have to be collateral, and that maybe, somebody will listen and realize "hey, hate breeds hate. with all the hate and harrasement and right-stripping we do to trans people, maybe we deserved this." but i don't think i want to. i want to live with curly fries, to live out a good life, to make the rv no longer just a silly dream from the fourth grade. maybe i want to die, maybe i don't, but im too young to know for sure.

i should keep my choices open and wait until high school. see if it changes.